The Shocking Truth About Developing Good Habits (part 1)

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW

Are you a person who believes that you always do what you intend to do?  Most people would probably answer yes.  However, despite what you may believe,  research shows that the majority of people, do not.  In fact, most individuals have far less control then they believe they do.  As frustrating as this may be, there are ways of establishing good habits and overcoming those existing ones that seem to get in our way.  But first let’s look at how habits are formed, as well as the obstacles we face in overcoming the existing ones that prevent us from achieving our goals. 

It has often been said that it takes 3 weeks of repeating a behavior for it to become a habit.  However, when looking into this further, I discovered that this is actually not true.  In most cases, it takes much longer.  (WEW! That sure let’s me off the hook for all those times I thought I would  have it down in a month’s time, only to discover that I had not.)  In fact, it was discovered in a recent study that for most habits to become automatic, one must perform them repeatedly for an average of 66 days and in many other cases (depending on the particular activity) longer than 84.  In this same study, it was discovered that some (more difficult habits) took as much as 254 days to form, which is the better part of a year.  It’s no wonder so many of us are unable to keep our New Year’s Resolutions.  

Since helping individuals to develop and enforce good habits, is part of my work as a coach, I understand the importance of developing well intentioned habits as being vital to ones success in reaching ones goals.  In this effort, I did some research and discovered some perplexing studies about our habits and why it is often so difficult to do what we intend. 

Have you ever tried to change a particular behavior only to realize that it was not as easy as you thought?  How many times have you said you wanted to lose weight, exercise daily, quit smoking, change jobs, or cut down on drinking?  What do you suppose the success rate was for the average person? Studies have shown that for the majority of people who attempt to change their behavior, old strongly held habits dominated their conscious choices.  This is because it is not our conscious mind that is in the drivers seat.  In fact, it is the power of the unconscious mind that influences all of our thinking and behavior.  Our strong established habits will automatically override our conscious intentions in most cases.  Now, combine that fact with the length of time it takes to form a strong habit, it is easy to see just how difficult it can be to establish new habits on any consistent basis. 

This being the case, what’s the answer to this frustrating phenomena?  How do we overcome the unconscious programming of our minds, when we are not even consciously aware of them and why don’t our habits surrender to our conscious intentions?   Consider these 4 essential characteristics of habits;

  1. Habits are performed automatically, without much need for decision- making or thought. 
  2. Habits are emotionless.
  3. Habits are performed in context to other things. (That is, they are  situational.) 
  4. Habits serve a purpose and/or provide us with something. (consciously or unconsciously)      

So, in considering what it is we want to do, versus what we actually do, the first thing we need to notice is the behaviors supporting our existing habits.  By observing how, when and where we perform these automatic activities we get vital hints as to  what is actually happening in the unconscious mind.  Since our unconscious mind is constantly carrying out all kinds of high-level thinking that we are unaware of, as well as unable to access through our ordinary thought process, it would make sense that we would have to consider alternate ways to do this.   One of the ways that assist us in accessing our unconscious mind is in asking the right questions about our process.   Another way to access this hidden part of our mind is through the use of NLP or hypnosis.  In fact, some of the quickest changes I have seen have come out of using all three of these modalities.  

In my next newsletter article I will explore the answers further and assist in providing some solutions to this very difficult dilemma. 

If you have experiences with overcoming or establishing new habits that you would like to share, please let me know. I am always interested in hearing  and learning from other’s experiences. 

Leslie is a holistic therapist working in South Florida who specializes in the treatment of ADD in adults. 

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The Shocking Truth About Developing Good Habits (part 2)

In my last Newsletter I explored how the unconscious mind dictates much of our automatic behaviors, making it very difficult to break old patterns of behavior and establish new habits.  In this article, I will explore this further and provide a useful exercise that taps into our unconscious resources while reinforcing the development of a new habit.

The first step to changing our behavior in many ways begins with the awareness and power of the unconscious mind.  Although there are many ways to do this, the following is an exercise that is easy to do alone (or with a partner) and is designed to tap into the power of the unconscious mind.  Take the time to answer the following questions and write them down on a piece of paper.

Answer the following series of questions;Why do you want to develop this habit? Since motivation is key to beginning any new habit, being clear about why we wish to establish a new habit, makes it is easier for us to consider making a change in our pattern of behavior.  Be as specific as you can. How will it benefit your life?

What will you see that will be different?

How will you feel once this habit has been established?

What will you hear?

What will you notice about how others interact with you differently?

Include your health, your sense of mental well-being, your physical appearance, your social life, your work life, your family life, and any other aspect that might be affected in a positive manner in considering this.

  • How will not developing this habit impact your life?

In answering this, be very specific as to how your life will be negatively impacted by not developing this habit.  Use the same criteria that you used when considering all the benefits.

  • What steps will you need to take to develop this habit?

Break down all the actions steps.  Again, be very specific as to each step along the way.  What time will you perform this habit?  Under what circumstances? What will be the context under which you will perform this habit? In what sequence will it be performed.  The idea of context and sequence is vital here.  For example when I am in a particular place or circumstance, I will do __________.   Sequence is more about the order of how you will do something.  For example, as soon as I get out of bed in the morning, I will brush my teeth and then go for a jog.   Thereby giving your mind the context under which you will perform the habit, but also the sequence in which you will do it.

  • What obstacles can you foresee yourself facing in developing this habit? And
  • How will you compensate for those obstacles?

Here are two of the most important parts to consider.  If we don’t consider the obstacles that we will face and plan for them, when they appear, we will most likely defer back to our old habits since it is easier and they are always waiting to take over our automatic unconscious process.  Therefore, in planning for any obstacles, we are already mapping out a plan for our mind to follow when encountering any hurdles.  For example, when I get up in the morning I will brush my teeth, then  I will go for a jog, unless it is raining.  In the event of it raining, I will go to the gym and exercise on a tread mill, instead.

The last part of this exercise is to visualize the entire process from beginning to end, since the unconscious mind sees things in pictures.   See yourself performing the habit in the context that you will be doing it.  Notice every step that you will take along the way.  Notice what you do in the event of an obstacle. Visualize yourself already having established this habit 6 months into the future and notice how this new behavior has impacted every single aspect of your life. Then look back over the past 6 months and notice all the steps you took along the way and any of the obstacles that you needed to overcome to establish this new habit.   Make a special note of how you handled those obstacles.  Savor the good feelings that arise from this visualization and allow yourself to enjoy those feelings.   You may be surprised at what comes up for you during this visualization process.  Sometimes, an obstacle that you never even thought about appears, or some other vital piece of information presents itself to you that you never considered. Use this information to make any adjustments or changes to your mind map.  Run the process through again, having made these adjustments.  Now bring yourself back to the present moment and begin the process, exactly as you envisioned it with any adjustments so that it feels right for you.  Repeat this process a few times over the next few days, if needed.  You may be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Leslie is a holistic therapist and ADD couch practicing in South Florida.

The ADDer’s Guide to Spring Cleaning

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW

It’s that time of the year to consider those spring cleaning projects.  Clean out your closet?  Maybe it’s the garage or attic that needs to be cleaned?   Or perhaps it’s just all those dresser or kitchen drawers that seem to have accumulated mounds of clutter.  Where does all that STUFF in my night table come from anyway? 

When I consider all the possibilities, it might seem like an Adder’s biggest nightmare.  But in truth, it really doesn’t have to be.  There are several ways that one can go about successfully tackling spring cleaning projects, despite having ADD.  This article explores some of those ways to be consistently more productive and to get those spring projects done.

Get Motivated.   Without motivation, many projects or tasks may seem difficult to even start, no less finish.  Consider all the reasons why this particular spring cleaning project is important.  Do you need to make more room for something you cherish in your garage or closet for example?  Or maybe the idea of having more order to your life reminds you that you can save a lot of time looking for items that are buried under mounds of clutter.  Get clear about the value of completing these projects and how it will positively affect your life.  And keep those reasons in your mind.  You might even consider making a list of all the benefits and posting it somewhere near the project location so that you will be reminded of the benefits. 

Know your engagement threshold and use it to your advantage!  What does this mean exactly?   Your engagement threshold is the longest amount of time you can consistently work, while staying focused on a particular project without being distracted or losing interest.  In addition, you will need to be able to evaluate how long you will actually need to accomplish the project being considered.  Since individuals with ADD often have difficulty estimating how long a project will take, try adding a cushion of about 50% more time than you think just in case, to cover yourself.  If the task takes less time, than you may be delighted to find you have a bit of unexpected extra time for yourself at the end of the project. 

Make an action plan.   How specifically will you accomplish this goal?  What are your specific action  steps?  For example, if cleaning out your closet, it might look like this;

  • Empty the entire closet    (30 minutes)                                                                                                                              
  • Separate items by type of clothing ( 1 hour)
  • Have 4  boxes ready to sort all items
    • One box for donating to charity
    • One box for shoes and bags
    • One box for clothing
    • One box for items that you may want to discard
    • Re- hang all remaining clothing items by type and color ( 1 hour)
    • Re-fold and place clothing on shelves (1 hour)
    • Organize placement of shoes and hand bags on shelves ( 30 minutes)

 

Schedule the time to do it.  Here’s an important piece of information for you to think about.  I know that many individuals with ADD think that the only way to get something done is to break it down into small action steps.  Maybe I will do 30 minutes here and another 30 minutes there.  This is true for some smaller projects but here’s the thing you need to consider.  Every time you transition in and out of a particular activity, you lose A LOT of time, which means you lose a lot of productivity.  For this reason, it is important to know the limits of your upper most threshold and set aside the time that most reflects that threshold.  If you only have 30 minutes here- and- there, you will never start those larger projects that require sustained attention and effort over a longer period of time, because you already know that you will never get enough done to make any difference.  So why even bother to start?   In addition, if you only have 30 minutes here and there, you will most likely end up checking e mails, going on Facebook and surfing the web, since not much else can be done in such short amount of time.  Those are actually appropriate actions to take in a 30 minute window, but they will never provide you with what you need to get those larger projects done.  

So, that having been said, knowing your engagement threshold, make sure to set aside the appropriate amount of time to get a good chunk of the project completed.  Consider those times that you have the most energy and ability to focus.  If you know that your Adderall wears off at 6:00 PM, don’t start that project at 5:00 PM just because that’s the time you get home from work.   If you are a morning person, don’t start that project in the afternoon. 

Work with your schedule and block it off your calendar.  If you don’t make an appointment with yourself, you may possibly procrastinate and put off starting the project all together.  Sound familiar?  

Don’t Be a Perfectionist.  Many people with ADD get caught in doing such a perfect job that they lose sight of the big picture.  So make a point of not getting stuck in the tiny minutia.  Do as much as you can as quickly as possible until the job is complete.  You can always go back AFTER it is finished to make it EVEN better, if you so desire.   It’s more important to complete the project in a timely fashion.  So work quickly and continue working till completion.  

Work with a Body Double or Professional Organizer.   For many people with ADD, having someone there to work with them, while keeping them on track can be extremely helpful.  Find a friend or family member who would be willing to assist.  Or, if you desire (or can) hire a professional organizer to work with you on the project.

Avoid Distractions.  Turn off the phone, television, or any other distraction that could interfere with your completing your project.  Once you get started, have a “ DO NOT DISTURB” sign placed outside the door of where you are, and unless there’s an emergency, tell your family, not to disturb you for your allotted amount of time.  Take this commitment seriously and other’s will too. 

Make It Fun and Interesting   Have fun music playing or have your friends come over and help.  Discover ways to make it interesting by using timers, or creating some kind of challenge that keeps it interesting. Provide yourself with a special reward when you have completed the project.    Bet your partner or a friend that you will complete the project by a certain time or else………. (You get the idea)

And one last thing, after you read this article, don’t just put it down and consider the ideas.  Take the time to actually write down and plan your spring cleaning project, as you follow each step above.  Imagine that it is already completed and see it in your mind’s eye.   Envision yourself having completed the task and imagine and enjoy the feelings of having accomplished your goal. Then, take action and do exactly as you have planned and envisioned.   As the great Tony Robbins once said, “In life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action”.  

 

Leslie is an ADD coach and therapist in South Florida.  To read more of her articles or to sign up for her free Newsletter, you may go to www.ADDadults.net.

 

 

 

 

 

Warning: This One Mistake Could Ruin Your Marriage

In my practice I see many couples with concerns around keeping the romance alive in their marriage.  If I were to determine the the single most detrimental thing one can do in damaging one’s relationship, it would be to not pay attention to one’s spouse.  I know that sounds too simple for many, but for those individuals with ADHD, the ability to maintain sustained attention on any person, place or thing can be extremely difficult.  And yet, without this ability, there can be no true romance.  It’s that simple. So, knowing this fact, how does one go about making sure that this difficulty does not become that fatal mistake that dooms your marriage.

Untreated ADHD is deadly to many relationships simply because the brain of someone with ADHD is wired in such a way that makes attention regulation extremely difficult. Although medication is the most efficient way to jump start treatment, it is only one of many treatment modalities that is helpful in sustaining and building a relationship of mutual trust, friendship and intimacy.  When working with couples, the biggest complaint I often hear from the non-ADHD spouse is that they feel abandoned in the relationship.  Their spouse is not attentive to them and their constant distractibility creates the feeling of being unloved.  And since paying attention is the single most difficult thing for an ADHD adult to do, just making the effort to accomplish this behavior, means everything to the non-ADHD spouse.  In fact,  most non ADHD partners have told me that just seeing their partner trying, makes them feel loved and cherished, and feeling cherished, is the vital ingredient in developing and maintaining intimacy and romance.

So, in thinking of ways to enhance one’s ability to focus on one’s spouse, I came up with a list of suggestions.   While some of these might work well for you, do experiment and discover what works best for you and your partner.

  • Make a point of calling your spouse every day just to say hello and see how their day is going. ( And give them your undivided attention during the entire length of the call)
  • Send a “love text” every day.
  • Leave a note next to her or his pillow saying something sweet or wishing them a wonderful day.
  • Tackle some chore around the house that you know means a lot to them.
  • Surprise them with a gift.  Maybe their favorite meal, some flowers, or an item that you know they will love.
  • Make time to just cuddle or hold hands while watching a movie.
  • When in their company, make eye contact with them the entire time they are speaking to you and respond back to them so they know you have really heard what they have said to you.  This last one seems so easy, and yet…. it is the one thing that is often missing in many couple’s communication.
  • Since you may need a reminder to do some of those things you have in mind, consider ways to help with this by perhaps setting a daily alarm on your phone or write yourself little sticky notes that you place on your desk at work or around your home.  Find ways that work with your life style and comfort level using technology.   Seek professional coaching or work with a counselor who is well versed in the problems that are associate with having ADHD, if needed.

Don’t forget that in the end, the greatest gift is your undivided attention and willingness to be completely present to them.  So, consider ways to remind yourself when its time to call or do something important for them.  It’s ok if you need to set a daily alarm on your phone to remind you or to write yourself little sticky notes that you place on your desk at work.  Don’t allow your pride or shame to get in the way of your seeking professional help with ADHD therapist,  if needed.  Do whatever it takes to pay attention to your partner, and I can bet your romance will be greatly enhanced as your marriage continues to grow stronger.

Leslie is a holistic therapist working in South Florida.